Dear _____,

You can't microwave a relationship.

I know that you want a girlfriend really badly. I know that having a girlfriend rocks. I know that having me for a girlfriend would rock (). But a girlfriend isn't something you just get for the asking...not until you've put in a significant amount of time and effort first.

I am not a taxi service. I will not pick you up and drop you off when we go somewhere.

I am not a delivery service. I will not bring you food every time I see you.

I am not a stalker. I will not call you every day.

I am not "that chick". I will not visit you at work, distracting you from what you're supposed to be doing (your job).

I am not a call girl. I will not make out with you, especially not in public, when we've never even been on a date.

I am not an ATM. I will not pay for your food because you don't get paid til next Friday. Either ask me out to a place you can afford, or ask me out on payday.

This is not Pretty Woman. I will not go away with you for the weekend. Seriously, hold your horses. We've never even been on a date.

I am not a "yes man". I will not tell you I miss you when you haven't called me in three weeks, just to make you feel good. You have my phone number. Use it or don't, but don't expect me to cry about it if you don't call me. And if you do call me at the last minute without a plan, don't expect me to drop everything I'm doing and bend over backward to see you. Keep in mind there are other things in my life.


Seriously...I don't know what type of chicks you are used to dating, but they must be nuts. Relationships take effort. You ask someone out, and then you take her out on a date (either you pick her up or you meet her there, but don't expect her to drive you). You spend the date getting to know each other and if it goes well, you go on some more dates. Then you decide if the relationship has long-term potential and if it does, you make it official and exclusive. If it doesn't, you go your separate ways. But all of this happens after you've spent time together.

You can have instant coffee, or instant oatmeal, or instant service at a fast food place (if it's not busy). What you can't have, at least not with me, is an instant girlfriend.

This fool has the nerve to give me relationship advice, like I need it from him. I almost put down the phone. But then I realized something: this guy spent 2011 upsetting me, insulting me, hurting my feelings both deliberately and inadvertently. But it's 2012. The fact that he is the same idiot this year that he was last year doesn't mean I have to continue being the same passive receptacle for all of his garbage. So instead of getting mad, instead of hanging up on him, instead of saying something I knew would be hurtful and insulting, I took a deep breath and said: "And I hope that in the future, you take your own advice."

Go. Me.

I may end up at a get together full of couples and drunk people with no one to kiss at midnight (not that I need someone for that) tonight, but I'm okay with that. I have one important thing, though, that I'm going to do at midnight:

I'm taking off the bracelet. I've been wearing it for weeks, just to make him happy. I put it on one day before I went to see him, and I've been wearing it ever since. But truth be told, I don't feel anything when I look at it. And it snags things all the time. And it represents a relationship that we no longer have. I read his New Year's letter to me. And it said "never forget that I love you" at the end. But honestly, that's exactly what I need to forget. I have to let him go, and this is the start. In 2012, I'm letting go of bad relationships. If I got anything out of that Cosmo blog I read for so many years, it's the one phrase I never forgot: a great relationship or no relationship. From now until forever.

I am valuable. And in 2012 (and forever after), I'm going to act like it.