How on earth do you stay "friends"?I'm doubling up today because I haven't posted in a while.
So I realized earlier today that I completely sabotaged my chance to stay friends with my former male. And the reason I sabotaged it is because
I don't know how to be friends with an ex. I honestly have never done it before; normally, they just disappear from my life and I don't have to deal with them anymore. But with this guy it was different, I wanted to stay friends because he's really sweet, but I just don't know how to do it.
At first things were cool because they hadn't changed. We talked every day before we broke up, and we talked every day after we broke up the first time, and we continued talking every other day after we broke up the second time. I think that maybe because there was no break, no time for me to reassess or take time to stop and think about what the heck I was doing, I just thought of the relationship as unchanged, except that certain topics of conversation were now taboo.
The problem with that was that it prevented my feelings for him from changing. I still missed him all the time, I still wanted to see him, I still...everything. And then it all went up in smoke when I got jealous (like I knew I would) when he went out of town. So I did the only thing I know how to do, which is completely detach myself from him emotionally. Except the problem with that is, it's hard to be friends with someone you are completely detached from.
And now, although he probably wouldn't admit it unless I forced him, I think I'm mostly minus one friend.
Do you stay friends with your exes? How? Is it even really possible?
Comments (5)
I've really only stayed friends with one ex, but I'm civil with 3 others. The reason I'm friends with one of them is 'cause our break-up was over distance, and we were good friends before we hooked up. I think it's possible if the break-up isn't so bad. I don't know anyone who is friends with a lot of their exes, and it's not easy being friends with an ex. Maybe there's still a chance u can be friends with him if u really want him in your life. Maybe u can go out to dinner in a casual setting and see how things go, and then slowly take it a step further. Baby steps... Slowly ease back into a friendship.
I'm friends with a few of my ex's but I think it is only because of the circumstances in which we broke up. (They ended it with me -- long story.) I had no problem with remaining friends with them and one of them is married - they invite me to some of their events (BBQ, birthday parties for their kids, etc.).
For me, it was difficult to see some of them move on but since they did the breaking up with me -- I already knew they were moving on. It took a lot of time but some of the old friendship is still there. The laughing, joking and serious conversation slowly came back. (It is very difficult for me with a couple of them, I had strong feelings for them.)
Some that I have let fall to more of an 'acquaintance' status with friendly 'hi, how are you doing' notes and answers but not much more than this.
There was one that I could not handle being a friend or 'acquaintance' with.
Exactly as melsie notes in her response -- 'baby steps'. It may or may not be back to that real 'friend' status you had before but at least a friend. Some may never get there or even get to 'acquaintance'. Some you may not want to or cannot handle.
i wrote a post inspired by this one! i've managed to stay friends with all the important men in my life.
@melsie - We actually broke up because of the distance, so seeing him again would be incredibly expensive. I also don't know if he is really that interested at this point. We're at that stage where the distance between our conversations is getting bigger and bigger...I don't know if it's really possible now. But then again, if I'm never going to see him again, does it matter? Maybe I shouldn't let it bother me.
@uwrote - Yeah, it's definitely difficult sometimes. That's cool that you are still friends with a married ex! I think acquaintances is probably the best I generally hope for--it usually either ends 1) with us not really speaking at all, 2) us being slightly awkward acquaintances, or 3) us almost getting back together a few times, and then ending up in situation 1 or 2.
@sahar - ooh, I inspired someone! That's pretty cool. Thanks for the comment! Lucky you--that's a major accomplishment!
If you truly want to be his friend and it really bothers you, take melsie's advice about the baby steps toward friendship. If it's the guilt of having detached yourself from him, then take a few days to let your real emotions set back in. good luck.Â