He called me 8 times yesterday. Literally, 8. And the thing is, it's not like he called to say anything important. He just called to talk, like always. I used to take all of his calls because I thought that he was calling to tell me something happened, or something was wrong, but no. He calls just to talk. And if that's all he wants, he can call someone else.

The problem is, not answering phone calls is hard for me. Literally watching the phone ring and pushing ignore is so difficult. But at the same time...I was glad when he stopped calling. I was glad not seeing him. And I don't want to anymore. So I guess not picking up the phone is a step toward freedom.

Dear _____,

You can't microwave a relationship.

I know that you want a girlfriend really badly. I know that having a girlfriend rocks. I know that having me for a girlfriend would rock (). But a girlfriend isn't something you just get for the asking...not until you've put in a significant amount of time and effort first.

I am not a taxi service. I will not pick you up and drop you off when we go somewhere.

I am not a delivery service. I will not bring you food every time I see you.

I am not a stalker. I will not call you every day.

I am not "that chick". I will not visit you at work, distracting you from what you're supposed to be doing (your job).

I am not a call girl. I will not make out with you, especially not in public, when we've never even been on a date.

I am not an ATM. I will not pay for your food because you don't get paid til next Friday. Either ask me out to a place you can afford, or ask me out on payday.

This is not Pretty Woman. I will not go away with you for the weekend. Seriously, hold your horses. We've never even been on a date.

I am not a "yes man". I will not tell you I miss you when you haven't called me in three weeks, just to make you feel good. You have my phone number. Use it or don't, but don't expect me to cry about it if you don't call me. And if you do call me at the last minute without a plan, don't expect me to drop everything I'm doing and bend over backward to see you. Keep in mind there are other things in my life.


Seriously...I don't know what type of chicks you are used to dating, but they must be nuts. Relationships take effort. You ask someone out, and then you take her out on a date (either you pick her up or you meet her there, but don't expect her to drive you). You spend the date getting to know each other and if it goes well, you go on some more dates. Then you decide if the relationship has long-term potential and if it does, you make it official and exclusive. If it doesn't, you go your separate ways. But all of this happens after you've spent time together.

You can have instant coffee, or instant oatmeal, or instant service at a fast food place (if it's not busy). What you can't have, at least not with me, is an instant girlfriend.

This fool has the nerve to give me relationship advice, like I need it from him. I almost put down the phone. But then I realized something: this guy spent 2011 upsetting me, insulting me, hurting my feelings both deliberately and inadvertently. But it's 2012. The fact that he is the same idiot this year that he was last year doesn't mean I have to continue being the same passive receptacle for all of his garbage. So instead of getting mad, instead of hanging up on him, instead of saying something I knew would be hurtful and insulting, I took a deep breath and said: "And I hope that in the future, you take your own advice."

Go. Me.